Puppies and Joy

If you are reading this then you’ve probably already read the previous post. But right now as I’m writing this one it still hasn’t been posted. I’ve set it to be released at midnight. It is now around 11:30 PM and I am walking outside. It just stopped raining and there are rain puddles everywhere. My hair is wet because I didn’t care enough to bring a coat with a hood. It’s annoying but fuck it. Not like it’s gonna matter anyway. Not where I’m going. I’m gonna stop typing for a bit. Writing a post on your phone while walking is harder than I expected. I’ll continue when I get there. - I’m here. You’re probably wondering where “here” is. It’s on a bridge that crosses the Scheldt river. I’m obviously not gonna tell you which bridge. Not that it matters. In about 5 minutes the previous post will go up. I’m just hoping the other guests show up before that time. Speak of the devil.. Or rather speak of the demon clown. That’s number one. I expected him to show up sooner thou

A few months after she told me the horrible news her condition quickly got worse. She soon could no longer go outside and she spent her entire days in bed. It was as if her life and willpower were completely drained now. It wasn’t just her. Her parents had been fighting for so long to keep their daughter alive. Now all they had to show for it were stacks upon stacks of medical bills. While their daughter was slowly being dragged into the afterlife. I myself wasn’t much better off. Every time I saw her was like a million daggers of guilt stabbed into my heart. But I couldn’t abandon her, no matter how much it hurt. I kept visiting her and tried cheering her up by watching movies together. Sometimes we played games but she didn’t have the energy for those most of the time. Sometimes we just sat near each other in silence for a few hours. Her in her bed and me in a chair right next to her. It was during one of these silent moments that it happened. She looked at me and brok

Two years after the accident I graduated from high school. Eefje had dropped out a year earlier. She could no longer go outside for longer than a few hours. So she was home schooled. Of course I still went to visit her as often as I could. Every time I visited I could see her gradually getting worse. I often took her out for walks with her wheelchair. At first she always smiled and laughed when we went out. But over time her smiles faded and she stopped laughing. I remember the moment when she told me.. We were out on one of those walks in the park. We had stopped near a nearby lake and were chatting about something. I don’t remember what the topic was. I just remember her suddenly going quiet and staring at the ground. Obviously I got worried and asked her what was wrong. When she looked up at me there were tears in her eyes. “I’m going to die.” Those words still haunt me today. “I’m going to die.” She told me the doctors had told her she only had one, maybe

Happy new year I guess? I’m not sure how I’m even alive right now. I had given up yesterday. I woke up to the dog sitting there watching me. As soon he noticed I was awake he disappeared. Part of me was drawn to her book again. I still haven’t finished reading it. Only thirty or something pages left. I couldn’t force myself to finish it. Instead I just lay there in bed for a few hours, staring at the ceiling. My mind wandered and my thoughts spiralled down into despair. Then suddenly something snapped. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe it was my guilt taking over me. Or maybe I just stopped caring. Either way I got out of bed and threw on the same clothes I had been wearing for a week. Stepped outside and just started walking aimlessly. I soon found what I was looking for. When the clown showed up it didn’t even paralyze me. I think it knew it didn’t have to. I wasn’t going to run. It moved closer and started laughing. That awful wheezing laugh that will probably never stop ha