Ruined

No matter how much I try I can’t stop reading Eefje’s book. Why am I so weak? Every time I read it I end up crying in my bed. Then I fall asleep and relive all the times I hurt her in my dreams. These days I always wake up crying.

Last time I wrote about all the good memories I had of her. I guess I should include some of the bad ones as well. At least one of them.

I was sixteen and she had just turned seventeen a month before. We had just finished friday’s basketball practice. We had won a practice match against the other half of our team. So we were in a very good mood. We did a victory dance and teased the losing team. Everyone laughed and we went to shower.

After changing we said goodbye to our team. We hopped on our bikes and headed to Eefje’s place to play some video games. Still riding on the high of victory I challenged her to a race.

So we did. She passed me by pretty quickly but I didn’t want to let her win so easily. So I started going faster, faster than I should have. I passed her and went straight ahead. She didn’t back down and was right on my tail.

One second we were racing and laughing. The next she was lying still on the road. Her bike had been crumpled up by the wheels of the car that hit her and now lay a few meters away. I stopped, threw my bike away and hurried over to her. She wasn’t responding. There was blood. I was crying, yelling, screaming.

What happened next is a haze. It all went too fast to remember.

The ambulance came and took her to the hospital. The next day I visited her, she was in a coma. The next day I visited again. The day after that I spent most of the day next to her bed. This went on for about a week. Then one day she woke up. I apologized so many times. She kept saying it wasn’t my fault but I know it was.

That day I had ruined her life. Her arm had been broken in multiple places, as well as her leg. She was left with a complete spinal cord injury and was paralyzed from the waist down. Her ribs were broken and her lung was damaged.

She spent the rest of her life in a wheelchair. She never stopped having problems with her lungs.

All because I challenged her to a fucking race.

Somehow we remained best friends. I went to see her whenever I could. I was there when she was moved back home. When she got better I took her for walks with her wheelchair. We laughed just as much as before but it wasn't the same. She said the medication helped but I could see in her eyes that the pain was always there.

I quit the basketball team. She told me I should keep playing. I told her I couldn’t, not without her. How could I possibly enjoy the things I had taken from her?

I’m so sorry Eefje, you should have hated me. 
You said you didn’t but you should have and now you’re gone.

-Fien